3rd Week: We Had Such Doubts

[Un]surprisingly, my mother is sharing me what's bothering her regarding my siblings. She told me that my younger brother is one heck of a good liar, way good than my sister and I. She fears that after some years, he may be a bad boy. About my sister, she said to me her prayers about her. She told me that her online relationship with an Ireland-based Filipino may be serious if the guy is, well, serious with her. I can't say my sister's condition but if you do know, then you know what my mother's thinking in relation to my sister.

After that, I realized, I hinted that she also has "problems" with me. I'm strugging with it, you all know that. Of course, I can't blurt out to her that, "Mom, I'm bisexual!" because with her conservative mind, her brain may explode first before understanding me. But I think I'm being unfair since you guys, and a few friends, know about this and, yet, my relatives don't have a single clue (except for my father, but he thinks I just need to have a sex with a girl to dispel my thoughts of me being bi).

Regina and I watched Bride Wars last Wednesday. We were interested with the movie despite it's bad reception with the critics. I do find it interesting (see my "review"). And now, we're having this, I'd like to call it, Last Quotations Syndrome. 8D

Last Friday, I finally met with Marvin. I already had an idea what he will speak about to me but I was amazed that he said things more than that. He gave me a new set of axioms/definitions of love, and with that, I was amazed by a lot of things that I realized regarding that.

Then today, I met with Christian, and we strolled around the malls. Being the unsocial being, I think I almost bore him to death. LOL.

In general, this week is a good week. Take note of the phrase "in general".

On The Love of Siam and Other Movies That Made Me Cry

I just finished downloading the Thai movie "The Love of Siam". I downloaded it by parts, by the way. I started last week and finished yesterday since I had a lot of exams. I watched it yesterday midnight.

One funny thing while watching TLOS is that it happens on Christmas, so I felt that I watched it just on time.

And do Thais sometimes refer themselves in third person?

I read synopses and reactions of the movie. I was laughing at first when the first-time viewers thought they were fooled by false advertising. Oh well, I guess a lot of people are still close minded.

So basically it "revolves" on the feelings of the two protagonists, Mew and Tong, for each other, and their respective struggles: Mew with composing music, and Tong with his family.

I was really about to cry at the first few minutes when Tong's sister, Tang, was lost and hadn't returned since. The poor young Tong made a frown whine in the sheep costume. It made me frown as well. Sorry, I can be easily swayed.

Moving on...

I laughed at their little treasure hunting game when Tong wanted to give something to Mew: a toy where he has to assemble the pieces that he found. But the nose was missing.

So forward to n years.

I was surprised that they still wear shorts at... was that High School? Well, anyway, sorry that I don't want to narrate the whole thing. I just wanted to say the things that I like in there. LOL.

So Mew has a band and he has a problem writing love songs. But when he and Tong met again after a long time, he suddenly got all of that inspiration and now almost everyone like the songs he make, including Tong.

Mew: What do you say after listening to it?
Tong: I don't know.

Then the rest was kissing history.

Yeah, from there you may guess the entire flow after that kiss. They were seen by Tong's mom, who talked to Mew about it later. Mew getting depressed and Tong almost depressed. Nah, just watch it.

Mew: What do you say after listening to it.
Tong: I can't be with you as a boyfriend... But that doesn't mean that I don't love you, Mew.

Tears. My tears started flowing at this scene. Tong gave Mew the "missing piece" of the toy (the nose). Mew then placed it at home, saying "Thank you" at the end. We were both crying. T_T

I can't be with you as a boy/girlfriend...
But that doesn't mean that I don't love you...

Some people told me the first line. Other people told me the second line. When will the time come that I will hear both of these lines from a single person? T_T

Then when I saw my lollipop at my desk, I started crying again. T_T


Okay, other films/shows that made me cry (not in chronological order):
[Note: You better watch these scenes. I'm not good at narrating]

1. Gakuen Alice
Reason: Friendship, Departure
I think my feelings were too shallow by the time I watched this. It's in the ending episode. I guess I wanted a friend like Alice.

2. Moments of Love
Reason: "Death", First Meeting
Timingly, when Marco cried Divina's name (while Divina drowning was shown), I bursted into tears: inside the move house. Then when they finally met, I cried again because it was so touching.

3. Like Grains of Sand
Reason: Angst, Realization
The protagonist's love doesn't want to love him back since they were both guys. But after the protagonist pretended to be a girl, he tried to drown himself on the beach. This is when his love saved him and gave him a CPR. Then the protagonist said something like, "See, you can do it," referring to a guy-to-guy kiss.

4. Eternal Summer
Reason: Confessions
"I wanted to tell you that I love you."
"You are the only [best]friend that I have."
This is too touching for narrating.

5. Taegeukgi
Reason: Sacrifice
Older brother saved his younger brother, resulted in him being riddled in bullets. Then after a few years, the younger brother visited the remains of his older brother.

6. My Sassy Girl
Reason: Waiting, Revelations
I cried while they were reading each other's letter. Enough said.

7. Heroes 2
Reason: Death
Niki Sanders dying in an explosion. I have biases on characters so I cried when Niki died.

8. Water Boys 2
Reason: Friendship/Departure
It's sad that after a wonderful synchro performance on the school festival, Eikichi will leave for America, following his father. There, he watched a video message from his new-found friends.

9. My Boss, My Hero
Reason: Friendship/Academics
After a long struggle at High School, 27y/o Makio now knows the meaning of friendship and schooling.

I think I forgot some. I rarely cry over movies, really.

Read This [If You Want]: Gaguhan (Feeling of Void)

IKAW, MALAWAK BA ANG UTAK MO?

Nakakainis na... Alam mo yung ganung feeling? Yung mag-isa ka na lang? Yung inaakala mong mga kaibigan mo, mga kaaway mo na pala? Nakakaasar, di ba? Oo, naasar sila sa akin, pero hindi nila sinasabi yung mga kapintasan ko ng harapan. Ngayon, panahon na nang gaguhan. Ako nalang ang mag-isa sa mundo ko ngayon. I against the world, ika nga.

Oo, tama, depressed na ako. Emo pa kung iyon ang gusto mong tawag. Pero I'm sick. Nakakainis iyong pinag-iisipan ka ng masama e ung ideya na iyon ay ni minsan hindi pumasok sa kukote ko. Nakakainis din yung mga stalker. Oo, ganun na ako ka-sikat. Madalas sisilip-silip tapos gagawan ka na ng chismis that is too farfetched.

Mailap pala ang mundo. Pag pinag-iisipan ba ng masama ang isang bakla/tomboy/bi, sexism ba ang tawag doon? Ewan ko, wala namang gender-ism.

Pinilit kong maging bukas ang aking isipan, para mas makita ko ang kagandahan ng mundo. Kaso, may mga gago na pilit ikikitid ang mga pananaw mo sa buhay. Bwisit, oo, gago nga, ayon sa isang Friendster account.

Inaapoy ako ng lagnat ngayon. Buti na lang nilalagnat ako, para hindi mapansin ng mga tao kung gaano ba talaga kasama ang pakiramdam ko. Gusto kong makipag-usap sa lahat ng taong dumaan sa buhay ko once and for all.

At since wala na yata akong kaibigan na natitira, applications will be accepted. Walk-ins are allowed. Hindi nagsasara, at hindi pagsasarhan.

Walang kwenta itong post ko na ito, di ba? Puro kagaguhan lang. Oo na, insensitive ako. Pero sabihin niyo yun sa harap ko at magbigay kayo ng instances para maayos ko ang sarili ko.

Kaya siguro napapariwara ang tao, no?

Ewan ko ba kung bakit nagbabago ang mga tao ngayon. Ginagago ka ng idol mo, imagine?

Ayokong magpariwara, dahil matino akong tao. Sariwa, birhen. Bastos man ang utak pero hindi sa plano at sa gawa. Oo, men masturbate everyday. Men wanted to have sex. Pero hindi lahat ng tao, hayok. Hindi lahat ng bakla/tomboy/bi, sex lang ang gusto sa buhay.

Ano kaya ang gagawin ko sa Monday? Syempre, papasok. Ay, baka isipin mo, gumagawa ako ng plano, baka iba na naman ang isipin mo. At wag kang feeling, marami kayong kausap ko. FOR CONTACTS ang post ko, hindi for stalkers.

Ay, sinasabihan kitang stalker? Hindi! Umaandar lang ang insensitivity ko, kagaguhan ko, at yung kakulangan ko sa grammar.

Bukas na bukas din, hindi na po ako magiging insensitive. Bukas na bukas din, hindi ako mangte-take advantage kahit di ko pa ginagawa iyon.

At magmamahal ako ng taong karapat-dapat mahalin. Magmamahal lang ako kapag may nagmamahal sa akin. Oo, mahal ko ang magulang ko at ang mga kapatid ko dahil mahal nila ako. Kung mahal mo ako, mahal din kita.

Pero, pagpasensiyahan mo na ako, huh? Wala na yata kasi akong kaibigan na pwedeng malapitan. Buti ka pa, Multiply, maasahan, kahit nabobosohan ka.

SORRY SA LAHAT NG TAONG NAKABANGGA KO, KUNG AYAW NIYO NA AKONG MAGING KAIBIGAN, FINE, DI KO KAYO PIPILITIN. DESISYON NIYO YAN. Dahil sa bokabularyo ko, ang friendship ay isa nang equivalence relation.

SORRY RIN SA IYO, KAHIT HINDI KA DAPAT MADAMAY DITO. KAILANGAN KO LANG NG OUTPUT. Itong post na ito ay para iparating sa Palasyo ng Malakanyang na ako ay may emosyon.

IKAW, MALAWAK BA ANG UTAK MO?

P.S., Oo, umiinom ako, pero hindi ako naglalasing. Mabuti kang kaibigan kapag nagawa mo akong lasingin sa inuman. Saka vacuum cleaner ako ng pulutan.

At ipakalat sa mundo na maging open-minded tayong lahat. Ito na ang huling post ko na magpapakita ng aking close-mindedness.

Ulit po, patawarin ang grammar.

Salamat sa pagbabasa ng declamation.

I thank you.

Signed,

The Knight of Wind,

Ang asawa ni Tracy Strauss,

Ang fan ni Iwa at Jewel,

Ang mukahang gago pero hindi naman,

Your friendly kapit-hood,

Ang nagmahal pero inaway at nilait,

Ang Kabayo ni Kristy Lee Cook,

Ang sinaksak sa likod,

Ang zombie,

Sila Naruto at Gaara,

Ang pang-(n+1)th na miyembro ng Super Junior,

Ang nasisiraan ng bait pero pinipilit na magpakatino,

Ang tatanggap ng mga aplikante sa posisyon na "Best Friend"

Ang coolest teen tambayan,

Ang 5th basic taste,

Aerol Celeste.

These Are My Lessons Of The Century

*pardon the grammar*

I hate this feeling; this feeling of loneliness, emptiness, guilt. It's always the fact that when I go to school, I hide my face under the mask of happiness since I am really crying. Emotional, eh?

First thing: I learned not to make lots of friends. I think a few will do. But do you know why, in the first place, I'd like to make new friends?

It's because I'm socially deprived. My youth days had been surrounded by the four walls of our house, trying to learn academics. I never went out and play with my neighbors. I only play with my cousins in our backyard. It feels like I'm locked up inside, helpless. Still, I was attending school but I wasn't given a chance to interact with my classmates.

I grew up like that for 12 years [from Nursery until I graduated in High School]. I never knew sports. I barely knew social life. I don't even know Counter Strike and Ragnarok back then. And I hated those times. They were calling me nerd and geek like forever. I just can't stand it. I'm unsocial [not antisocial: it's a different thing], I know it. But that fact doesn't have to be pressed down hard on me.

It was 3.5 years ago when I fell in love. But I knew bulls' eye from the start that having a relationship is impossible because I barely knew wooing. So I wanted to have friendship instead. I wanted my first love to be my very first friend, my best friend. But in the end? I cried. Why? It's because I confessed my feelings. And days after, my first love became so distant to me. It was 7 days that I cried myself to sleep. I lost a friend and a loved one.

But I didn't stop there. For 2.5 years [after I graduated], I fell in love with different people and confessed to some of them. But out of those gazillion people I confessed up, only one remained as my friend but still, that person is too distance to me nowadays. Sad? No, very sad.

Yet again, I am in love. I don't want to be messed up anymore. I'm not going to love anymore. I'm not going to confess anymore. I just wanted to be stuck up in my own realm.

So where, you say, was the friendship part? Well, they were above and some few friends of mine that I can count by my fingers. I wanted to maintain my friendship to the people whom I had feelings before, but they were gone just like that. Others even despised me. It hurts a lot: those stupid promises they give me. That they will understand, that I will still be their friend. But where are they?

I guess I really had to be contented with a few friends that I have. They are the ones that understand me the most. They are the ones who keep my many secrets. They were always there for me and I promise that I, in return, will always be here for them no matter what the consequences are.

I don't want to cry. No, I cannot cry now. My eyes are now dry. I just have to live with a few blessings of mine. I am contented with those things now.

This is another lesson I realized, and maybe the last one for the meantime: never ever expect. I wished I was Lady Strike's brother and take everything for granted, but no. Even so, I am idle. And I never took risks. I may be adventurous at heart but the problem is execution. I always play safe. I never went out of my comfort zone and try a few things I never tried before [except for food tripping].

Even at school and studies, I am idle. At weekends, I always play video games. At weeknights, I surf the net. I always think I know anything. Or yet, I always think that what I am learning is enough to pass. I lack encouragement.

This is also related to the first lesson I learned. I am expecting to have new friends. I am expecting that I retain those friendships. But no, I'm just daydreaming and wishing everything turned the way I wanted it.

I don't know if a new Denji will resurface. I just don't know. But I don't want to cry. I don't want to love. I don't want to expect. Yet, I want to live. I want to be happy.

*sigh* Denji is such an idiotic creature... Isn't he?

05.09.08

I AM HAPPY RIGHT NOW! This is the day I shall mark my (omicron)th existence in the world!

Yes, dear, I EXIST!!! 8D

Saranghae~... 8D <333

Para sa Aking Minamahal (For My Beloved)

[A/N: This entry is written in Filipino because the author is "sick" and miserable. Bear with the author]

[Opening Music BG: Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? by Ramiele Malubay]

Ilang buwan na ba simula nang makilala kita? 'Di na katagalan. Ikaw ang nagtatapos ng mga araw ko. Ikaw at ang mga ngiti mo. Ikaw at ang amoy mo. 'Di ko alam kung pang-ilan ka na. Pang-(x)? Siguro nga. Maraming beses na akong umibig. At nasisiraan ako ng ulo kapag umiibig ako. Halata naman sa mga pangungusap ko, hindi ba?

Alam ko naman na hindi ka perpekto. Marami kang kapintasan. Naiinis na yata ang buong mundo sa 'yo. Pero ako? Nandito lang ako, nagmamasid sa 'yo. Tinitignan kang ngumiti. Gusto kitang kaibiganin. Pero mukhang ayaw mo.

Pero ano itong bumabagabag sa akin? Kapag may iba kang kasama, selos ba ang nararamdaman ko? Hindi naman inggit, wala akong dapat kainggitan. Nababagabag ako. Gusto kitang kaibiganin. Pero ayaw mo.

Anong meron siya na wala ako? [...] Dahil ba magaspang ako kumilos? Dahil hindi ako gaanong katalino? Dahil ba... kakaiba ako? Dahil ba sa hitsura ko? Imposible. Hindi kailangang "may hitsura" ang isang kaibigan.

[Music BG: I Don't Wanna Cry by Jason Castro]

Pero bakit? Naghuhumiyaw ang puso ko. Umiiyak. Ayaw mo akong kaibiganin. May mali ba ako? Pasensya kung ganoon.

Iyang kaibigan mo na kasama mo, iyang "kaibigan" na pinagseselosan ko, masaya ba siyang kasama? Tuwing gabi ba, magkatabi kayong matulog? Magkaakap sa dilim? Paggising ba niya, hinahalikan mo ba siya? Sabay ba kayo sa lahat ng bagay.

Wala na. Nasiraan na ako ng ulo. Tuwing hihiga ako sa kama ko, kayo ang naiisip mo. Ikaw, at ang ngiti mo na tila nakalaan lamang para sa kaniya. Ayaw na kita makita, pero hindi kita maiwasan. Hindi makukumpleto ko ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakikita. Ang sama mo. Maramot ka. Umalis ka sa puso ko. Nyemas.

[Music BG: You've Got to Hide Your Love Away by Kristy Lee Cook]

Wala na akong magagawa kung kayo na ang itinadhana para sa isa't isa. Siguro kailangan ko nang hanapin si ika-(x+1) ko, sa lalong madaling panahon. Para makalimutan na kita.

Kaya heto ako ngayon at gumagawa nang hamon para sa sarili ko. Kailangan kong pagbutihan ang sarili ko na higit sa inyo. Ibubuhos ko ang panahon ko sa pag-aaral. Hindi ako nasa unibersidad na ito para pumasa lamang sa akademiya, kung hindi ay sa lahat na rin ng aspeto ng buhay. Kailangan kong tatagan ang sarili ko.

Hindi man kita makalimutan agad, pipilitin ko namang gawing abala ang sarili ko. Mas maraming bagay na dapat isipin bukod sa iyo, sa ngiti mo, at sa halimuyak mo.

[Music BG: Alone by Ramiele Malubay]

Pero... Hindi rin, e. Ikaw ang lakas ko. Ikaw ang buhay ko. Isusuko na lang ba kita? Oo, marahil, siguro nga. Mas gusto mo sigurong kasama siya, o hindi kaya si Park Ron Do* ang gusto mong makasama? Haha, nakakatawa. Sira-ulo na nga ako. Umaasa pa na maging kaibigan mo ako, e ikaw nga itong lumalayo sa akin. Ayaw mo sa akin dahil "emo" ako, pero gusto mo si Ron Do dahil "emo" siya? Kalokohan! Ikaw ang sira ulo!

Sana ako ang kasama mo sa pagtulog. Sana ako itong niyayakap mo tuwing gabi. Sana ikaw itong nakikita ko paggising ko sa umaga. Pero hindi. Hanggang panaginip lang kita. Doon lang kita nakakasama.

Heto ako. Nalulungkot. Pagbigyan mo na ako. Mahalin mo na silang lahat, kaibiganin mo lang ako. Pakinggan mo itong puso kong sawi.

[Ending Music BG: You Must Love Me by Brooke White]

Mahal kita. Tandaan mo iyan...
...
...
Maghihintay ako, kahit imposibleng mahalin mo rin ako...
Denji...


__________
* Hindi niya tunay na pangalan.

Reminiscing: Division PressCon [and my First Theatre Acting Ü]

From the block, I hurried down to my younger brother's school to give his project [which happened to be the school where I graduated... *shouts loud* LA COOO~!!!] ^^; Good thing it was the guard who knew me that was on duty, and he let me enter without hesitation. :D Like I was doing before, I looked at the calendar of activities, and there written:

OCTOBER 18-19
DIVISION SCHOOLS PRESS CONFERENCE

I remembered that time, year 2005, same month. We were on the "school van" (it actually belonged to the Augustinian sisters who are running our school) on the way to the school venue and our school paper adviser (Mr. Raymond Curibang) *wow, I still remember the name!* gave each one of us an advice or two. When it was my turn to be advised, I suddenly blurted out (in Tagalog, of course, I just typed it in in English for the sake of "fourmalitea") "Sir, no more hope! I'm not really that good, you just recruited me this year! *wails*" But my sir just replied (in Tagalog) "I know you are good that's why you're here! Just remember to put a line of a song in your piece. "

A line of a song... I'm bad at music, mind you. So all those damnations, I just kept it myself, knowing that I will lose. Then we got down and everything. Contests started and all. Then we ate lunch *I'm laughing, just continue reading :wink:* at the nearby kitchenette. I ordered sinigang, my fave. We were starting to eat when I was amazed by this big, green, sliced vegetable in my dish that I gave myself a mouthful of rice with this vegetable. Guess what, my tongue IS BURNING! IT IS A BIG CHILI! Out of self-humility, I tried not to cry out and gulped a lot of cola. Sweat began to trinkle in my cheeks when a schoolmate told me, "Kuya Edward, are you ok?" Of course, I just said yes but really, my tongue is still burning until the end of the day, damn chili...

Back to the contest... Well, I was chosen to write for the English Features category. The topic ? I forgot, but i think it is about candle or light (or maybe candlelight?) I was stuck in my seat for 30 minutes, oblivious to the contest I'm into. I said, "Oh well, since I'm a newbie in the field, it's alright to lose." and I started writing "random"words for my entry. When it was done, I hurried back to our adviser and said that I don't think I will win and besides, we have a theatrical presentation the next day so I "won't hear my defeat".

The next day, evening. We are now presenting our play on the stage campus (it was so hot in the "backstage"!!!). I'm still jittering that time. Good thing I went on well. You see, I was playing the insensitive father of my "demented" kids (fitted well in me since I looked and emoted like a stick. XD ). I did well in the first half. Then curtains fall for intermission. Some announcements were made, and the van arrived home from the awarding! Noises from my schoolmates backstaged proliferated in my ear as it was announced that I bagged the second place in the said contest and will move on to the next level! I was dumbstrucked! I was like saying, "No way! I don't believe you!" And during the second half, I kind-of messed with my acting *good thing it is considerably minor* and after the show, my adviser approaced me and said, "Congratulations! You won second place!" and he showed me the medal.

During that night, I can't get off a big grin out of my face.

Back to reality!
So there, I gave my brother's project in peace, paid his monthly tuition, and I headed straight back home while reminiscing everything...