No More End Points: Go On To Eternity

It's not just the time for me to think outside the box; it's time for me to MOVE outside the box.

I don't know the exact reason why am I trying to contain myself in a container that was not meant to fit me in. I used to blame my past for everything that's happening to me: the molestation done to me, my being socially inept, my conservative clan, the not being actually free. Then I realized: past is already past. It might be a cliché that I should have known better from the start, but no. I used to hold on to my past. I used to tell them, "Ah, ganito ako kasi ganiyan ang nangyari sa akin," or something like that.

I'm trying to reconstitiute myself this time. So I thought I analyze myself and re-segregate what's on my mind. Here are they as follows, then explanations later:

What I Want	What I Need
To have sex with a guy and a girl (not at the same time) so I can know how it feels like.1 To finish my course and find a job. To buy all the gadgets that I want to use, all the books that I want to read. To be a star/be famous. That the LGBT group be accepted in the community. To eat everything I fancy. Not to whine anymore/Get rid of my so-called "mood swings".	Someone that I really love and will love me as well. To make love with that person after, maybe, a month of relationship.2 To make solid, long-lasting friendships. To study Mathematics fruitfully and not to flush them out of my system again. To tell the world who I really am without worries. To learn to cook and to drive. To take risks.

Notes:
¹ My father once told me that I am just confused so he told me to take to some "massage parlor" where I can "lay a girl down", which I obligingly declined as of date.
² Which may mean Want#1 and Need#1 has to be satisfied first.

Look, the list is not complete. But that's just some of my thoughts that, I think, is "urgent" as of the meantime. But notice that both the 7^th lines are the most important to date. I don't need to confine myself in this place I'm in. I should go out: I should learn to accept failures because they are natural and it's through failures that we learn, right? And as my friend said: I need someone to talk to about my state. One person came in mind but I think she won't "have time for that" since she had problems of her own and I think that the only advise she can give me is, "That's life: Suck it up!"

I am to start a whole new life again (I said that a lot of times, but this time it's "different"). Haha, I'm lost at words. I think I'll post an update next time.

These Are My Lessons Of The Century

*pardon the grammar*

I hate this feeling; this feeling of loneliness, emptiness, guilt. It's always the fact that when I go to school, I hide my face under the mask of happiness since I am really crying. Emotional, eh?

First thing: I learned not to make lots of friends. I think a few will do. But do you know why, in the first place, I'd like to make new friends?

It's because I'm socially deprived. My youth days had been surrounded by the four walls of our house, trying to learn academics. I never went out and play with my neighbors. I only play with my cousins in our backyard. It feels like I'm locked up inside, helpless. Still, I was attending school but I wasn't given a chance to interact with my classmates.

I grew up like that for 12 years [from Nursery until I graduated in High School]. I never knew sports. I barely knew social life. I don't even know Counter Strike and Ragnarok back then. And I hated those times. They were calling me nerd and geek like forever. I just can't stand it. I'm unsocial [not antisocial: it's a different thing], I know it. But that fact doesn't have to be pressed down hard on me.

It was 3.5 years ago when I fell in love. But I knew bulls' eye from the start that having a relationship is impossible because I barely knew wooing. So I wanted to have friendship instead. I wanted my first love to be my very first friend, my best friend. But in the end? I cried. Why? It's because I confessed my feelings. And days after, my first love became so distant to me. It was 7 days that I cried myself to sleep. I lost a friend and a loved one.

But I didn't stop there. For 2.5 years [after I graduated], I fell in love with different people and confessed to some of them. But out of those gazillion people I confessed up, only one remained as my friend but still, that person is too distance to me nowadays. Sad? No, very sad.

Yet again, I am in love. I don't want to be messed up anymore. I'm not going to love anymore. I'm not going to confess anymore. I just wanted to be stuck up in my own realm.

So where, you say, was the friendship part? Well, they were above and some few friends of mine that I can count by my fingers. I wanted to maintain my friendship to the people whom I had feelings before, but they were gone just like that. Others even despised me. It hurts a lot: those stupid promises they give me. That they will understand, that I will still be their friend. But where are they?

I guess I really had to be contented with a few friends that I have. They are the ones that understand me the most. They are the ones who keep my many secrets. They were always there for me and I promise that I, in return, will always be here for them no matter what the consequences are.

I don't want to cry. No, I cannot cry now. My eyes are now dry. I just have to live with a few blessings of mine. I am contented with those things now.

This is another lesson I realized, and maybe the last one for the meantime: never ever expect. I wished I was Lady Strike's brother and take everything for granted, but no. Even so, I am idle. And I never took risks. I may be adventurous at heart but the problem is execution. I always play safe. I never went out of my comfort zone and try a few things I never tried before [except for food tripping].

Even at school and studies, I am idle. At weekends, I always play video games. At weeknights, I surf the net. I always think I know anything. Or yet, I always think that what I am learning is enough to pass. I lack encouragement.

This is also related to the first lesson I learned. I am expecting to have new friends. I am expecting that I retain those friendships. But no, I'm just daydreaming and wishing everything turned the way I wanted it.

I don't know if a new Denji will resurface. I just don't know. But I don't want to cry. I don't want to love. I don't want to expect. Yet, I want to live. I want to be happy.

*sigh* Denji is such an idiotic creature... Isn't he?

I AM SO IN LOVE TODAY!

My alarm clock hadn't rung yet but I was wide awake by seven. I don't know, maybe because I was just excited. Like any usual day (except for the fact that my little brother [shoti? ano daw?! 8D] doesn't have classes), I went out of the room, ate breakfast, take a nice shower, and dressed up. I wore something formal: white polo and grey pants... Hmm... Something special for the day? Naah... 8D

I went to Trinoma and did some "malling" since it was announced one bright, sunshine-y, kawaii Saturday that I won't be having my first class. First stop: Bench Fix Salon. Man, I liked my stylist! I, on some occasion, hate gays but this one talks with sense. He (or she?) taught me some hair styling tips which I appreciated. And I liked my hair. I said I wanted it to be something "Korean" but will suit me. And also, I liked it when he said I looked like a Chinese! My Chinese blood is strong after all... 8D S/He said that my hair was easy to style because I looked like a Chinese (but I wanted to look Korean... Hahaha, kidding...)

Pictures after...

Next stop: Taco Bell. I love their food but I hate it when they misspell my name. I think it is in the way I pronounce it. Some will spell: Renji, Benjie, Renchie, Denji (the last one being correct). Others will spell: Ech, Edj, Edge (the first one being horribly wrong). But, like I said, I love their food. 8D

Last stop before going to UPD: Photoline. I have my shots taken! 8D Take a look. 8D



















So there... Too bad only few of my friends noticed it. I was trying to impress, but it failed! Noooo!!! Failure! Hahaha! Kidding...

Then I went home. My mom realized I did had a haircut, and she loved it! My siblings liked it as well! w00t! I also showed them my pictures and my mom liked it the most! w00t! 8D

Para sa Aking Minamahal (For My Beloved)

[A/N: This entry is written in Filipino because the author is "sick" and miserable. Bear with the author]

[Opening Music BG: Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? by Ramiele Malubay]

Ilang buwan na ba simula nang makilala kita? 'Di na katagalan. Ikaw ang nagtatapos ng mga araw ko. Ikaw at ang mga ngiti mo. Ikaw at ang amoy mo. 'Di ko alam kung pang-ilan ka na. Pang-(x)? Siguro nga. Maraming beses na akong umibig. At nasisiraan ako ng ulo kapag umiibig ako. Halata naman sa mga pangungusap ko, hindi ba?

Alam ko naman na hindi ka perpekto. Marami kang kapintasan. Naiinis na yata ang buong mundo sa 'yo. Pero ako? Nandito lang ako, nagmamasid sa 'yo. Tinitignan kang ngumiti. Gusto kitang kaibiganin. Pero mukhang ayaw mo.

Pero ano itong bumabagabag sa akin? Kapag may iba kang kasama, selos ba ang nararamdaman ko? Hindi naman inggit, wala akong dapat kainggitan. Nababagabag ako. Gusto kitang kaibiganin. Pero ayaw mo.

Anong meron siya na wala ako? [...] Dahil ba magaspang ako kumilos? Dahil hindi ako gaanong katalino? Dahil ba... kakaiba ako? Dahil ba sa hitsura ko? Imposible. Hindi kailangang "may hitsura" ang isang kaibigan.

[Music BG: I Don't Wanna Cry by Jason Castro]

Pero bakit? Naghuhumiyaw ang puso ko. Umiiyak. Ayaw mo akong kaibiganin. May mali ba ako? Pasensya kung ganoon.

Iyang kaibigan mo na kasama mo, iyang "kaibigan" na pinagseselosan ko, masaya ba siyang kasama? Tuwing gabi ba, magkatabi kayong matulog? Magkaakap sa dilim? Paggising ba niya, hinahalikan mo ba siya? Sabay ba kayo sa lahat ng bagay.

Wala na. Nasiraan na ako ng ulo. Tuwing hihiga ako sa kama ko, kayo ang naiisip mo. Ikaw, at ang ngiti mo na tila nakalaan lamang para sa kaniya. Ayaw na kita makita, pero hindi kita maiwasan. Hindi makukumpleto ko ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakikita. Ang sama mo. Maramot ka. Umalis ka sa puso ko. Nyemas.

[Music BG: You've Got to Hide Your Love Away by Kristy Lee Cook]

Wala na akong magagawa kung kayo na ang itinadhana para sa isa't isa. Siguro kailangan ko nang hanapin si ika-(x+1) ko, sa lalong madaling panahon. Para makalimutan na kita.

Kaya heto ako ngayon at gumagawa nang hamon para sa sarili ko. Kailangan kong pagbutihan ang sarili ko na higit sa inyo. Ibubuhos ko ang panahon ko sa pag-aaral. Hindi ako nasa unibersidad na ito para pumasa lamang sa akademiya, kung hindi ay sa lahat na rin ng aspeto ng buhay. Kailangan kong tatagan ang sarili ko.

Hindi man kita makalimutan agad, pipilitin ko namang gawing abala ang sarili ko. Mas maraming bagay na dapat isipin bukod sa iyo, sa ngiti mo, at sa halimuyak mo.

[Music BG: Alone by Ramiele Malubay]

Pero... Hindi rin, e. Ikaw ang lakas ko. Ikaw ang buhay ko. Isusuko na lang ba kita? Oo, marahil, siguro nga. Mas gusto mo sigurong kasama siya, o hindi kaya si Park Ron Do* ang gusto mong makasama? Haha, nakakatawa. Sira-ulo na nga ako. Umaasa pa na maging kaibigan mo ako, e ikaw nga itong lumalayo sa akin. Ayaw mo sa akin dahil "emo" ako, pero gusto mo si Ron Do dahil "emo" siya? Kalokohan! Ikaw ang sira ulo!

Sana ako ang kasama mo sa pagtulog. Sana ako itong niyayakap mo tuwing gabi. Sana ikaw itong nakikita ko paggising ko sa umaga. Pero hindi. Hanggang panaginip lang kita. Doon lang kita nakakasama.

Heto ako. Nalulungkot. Pagbigyan mo na ako. Mahalin mo na silang lahat, kaibiganin mo lang ako. Pakinggan mo itong puso kong sawi.

[Ending Music BG: You Must Love Me by Brooke White]

Mahal kita. Tandaan mo iyan...
...
...
Maghihintay ako, kahit imposibleng mahalin mo rin ako...
Denji...


__________
* Hindi niya tunay na pangalan.

First Life Realization

One person said to me in an SMS:

"[...] kahit suplado ka [...]"

What does "suplado" really mean?

For all the life that I have lived, I knew this word to mean someone who literally snobs anyone. The problem, I just met this person (well, maybe I can call him a friend, but we're not close yet). So when he sent me the message (the quote was part of the whole), I realized that he means "suplado" as someone who only notices [most of his] teachers, all of his friends and relatives. Well, I'm not hurt by what he said: there is no offense done. But via what he said, he made me reflect on what my personality is.

I remembered myself before. I used to dream of becoming a celebrity. I thought smiling is not tiring. I thought all people who know you and call your name [even if you're on a comfort room] is one happy thing. But as my life goes on, this all changed. Stardom is such a pain in the ass. Philippine television is boring. And I never knew how to smile from the heart again. I've failed in love a lot of times, yet I'm still here. I managed to survive, though, but I forgot to smile. You see, if "love inflicts you pain" it leaves a scar. You may be traumatized.

Wait, what am I saying? Where in the blog world am I? Heck! The "suplado" thing! Oh, well. I think I need a personality assessment and make-over. Let's start by this question:

What things in me do you like and/or hate?

Answer with truth. Why? Because Asians tend to beat around the bush. So instead of correcting the flaw, it is being ignored.

The 6 Threats of the Semester

Yup... Read it right... THREATS... I'm talking about my subjects for the semester, though.

P.E. (Taekwondo): PHYSICAL THREAT

C'mon, I CHOSE it. So I should <3 it... But the prob is... Our instructor is Korean. What's wrong? Nothing. Except that... You know... I call it "nosebleed sessions". Figure out for yourself why.

Physics (Electromagnetism): DROWSY THREAT

Or is it threat of drowsiness? Whatever... I just can't understand what our professor is saying. The worse part? She's from the evolutionary line of Drowzy and Hypno. o_O

Mathematics (Vector Calculus and Series): CARELESS THREAT

Darn... I could have aced the exam, I COULD HAVE!!! Darn mental blocks... Darn another exam... Darn integrals? Hmmm... I should love integrals...

Mathematics (Geometry): NOT A THREAT

Goodness! Why are you on the list on my threats!? You are the last one to threaten me! LOL. Geometry is so easy, like... auto-LOL-zzz... Ü

Mathematics (Abstract Algebra I): MAJOR THREAT

Oh no! Professor, where art thou! We are in the verge of failing! Imagine having 2 out of 10 sessions... Ö

Computer Science: MECHA THREAT

A stupid pun for MEGA THREAT but, oh well, we are dealing with computers here. And I hate logics and logistics. And, once again, syntaxes... *faints*

LOL, But I love all my subjects. ^^