3rd Week: We Had Such Doubts

[Un]surprisingly, my mother is sharing me what's bothering her regarding my siblings. She told me that my younger brother is one heck of a good liar, way good than my sister and I. She fears that after some years, he may be a bad boy. About my sister, she said to me her prayers about her. She told me that her online relationship with an Ireland-based Filipino may be serious if the guy is, well, serious with her. I can't say my sister's condition but if you do know, then you know what my mother's thinking in relation to my sister.

After that, I realized, I hinted that she also has "problems" with me. I'm strugging with it, you all know that. Of course, I can't blurt out to her that, "Mom, I'm bisexual!" because with her conservative mind, her brain may explode first before understanding me. But I think I'm being unfair since you guys, and a few friends, know about this and, yet, my relatives don't have a single clue (except for my father, but he thinks I just need to have a sex with a girl to dispel my thoughts of me being bi).

Regina and I watched Bride Wars last Wednesday. We were interested with the movie despite it's bad reception with the critics. I do find it interesting (see my "review"). And now, we're having this, I'd like to call it, Last Quotations Syndrome. 8D

Last Friday, I finally met with Marvin. I already had an idea what he will speak about to me but I was amazed that he said things more than that. He gave me a new set of axioms/definitions of love, and with that, I was amazed by a lot of things that I realized regarding that.

Then today, I met with Christian, and we strolled around the malls. Being the unsocial being, I think I almost bore him to death. LOL.

In general, this week is a good week. Take note of the phrase "in general".

0th Week: I Almost Forgot To Smile

My face is always frowning lately. It's like my mind transcends to another dimension. Well, my mind DOES TRANSCEND to that another dimension. I've been thinking lately: Can I be a good lover?

Anyway, let the nonsense storytelling begin.

I woke up this morning, at around seven. It's because I'll go to my dad's office (the agency he works in) to get the Philhealth form done. It's not actually my first time to go there, but the last time I went there with my dad was a long time ago. And today, I went there alone.

Anyway, I'm confident with the instructions they had given to me. I know I'll not be lost. So onboard to LRT.

Inside the train (to Carriedo Station) was when I became aware that I always frown. Then I remembered the lines:

"Smile, though your heart is breaking."

... so I thought of happy memories, then I smiled. I became happy. My spirits had lifted up. And I'm really confident with the directions my parents had given me.

So I stepped inside my dad's office with ease. No pressures in signing the form. They even mistook me for an applicant, to which I reply: "I'm the chief cook's son,"  while flashing a big smile.

So after that I rode a jeepney to SM North/Trinoma. As I look outside, just after the "Valley of FEU" (wretched roadworks >o<), I saw a group of cute Korean students, girls and boys alike. And then it hit me: I'd forgotten KOREAN! =(

Arrived at around 1 at SM, my mom sent me a message telling me to buy her medicines, to which I obliged immediately (I don't want her to be confined in the hospital). Then I ran to Bench FIX Trinoma.

There were a LOT of people on the reservation list. They wrote me on the 3:30 slot. Then I thought: I still have time to watch a movie. And what movie was it?

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

So I just went on time and left on time. The movie was hilarious, though the story was kind of narrative and chaotic. I ran again to Trinoma to have my hair done. And...

THEY MURDERED MY HAIR! I didn't like my hair that much. [will post pictures later]

As I left home, I garnered different reactions: My sister loved it. My mother hated it. My brother said I looked like an Elementary student. But at least, my hair is no longer long. (Get me?) I can now manage it easily.

How will my classmates react to my new 'do?

End of story,
Denji

8D

PS: I miss you, ***ji.

Year-Ender Lessons

Matagal na rin akong hindi nakakapag-OL. Sasabihin ko mamaya ang dahilan. :P

1. Binigyan kami ng isang lolo-tito ko ng hini isa kung hindi dalawang... TUTA! :)

December 24. Dumating siya kasama ang tito ko para bigyan kami ng tuta. Medyo nainis ang mommy ko dahil marami kaming ginagawa para sa Pasko. Pero dahil natuwa ang anak niyang ito *ehem* natuwa na rin siya. Balak ko sanang pangalanan na Ken ang tuta dahil Crystal ang pangalan ng aso namin (kung hindi mo na-gets ang logic, hindi ka nanuod ng Season 17 ng Survivor). Bibigyan pa daw kami ng isa pang tuta dahil ang isa kong kapatid ay nainggitnatuwa. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kung babae ang ibibigay sa amin, Sugar naman ang ipapangalan ko. Kaso ang problema: lalaki rin ang ibinigay sa amin, so nagkaroon ako ng problema sa pagpapangalan. Sabi ng tito ko. Rocky nalang daw saka Rambo in honor of Sylvester Stallone. Sa sarili ko, hindi ako pumayag. At dahil ako ang nagpapakain, tinatawag ko sila sa pangalan na gusto ko: Mikee at Robi.

(pictures at some time)

2. Akala ko malungkot ang magiging Pasko ko pero masaya naman. Hindi ko man nalahad, eh... Hindi ko na ilalahad. :P

Basta masaya. Kitang-kita naman.

3. Ilang araw pagkatapos ng Pasko, nagkasakit kami ng kapatid ko. :(

Ang tinuturong salarin at ang background story:
Nasa SM Pampanga sila Ma at si nakakabatang kuya (younger brother... oo na, barok na akong mag-Tagalog) para gawan ang nahuli ng salamin. Kaya kami ng isa ko pang kapatid na babae ang natira. Ayun, nag-init siya ng sauce ng spaghetti at hindi ininit ang spaghettini na ref-cold pa.

Ang resulta at ang takbo ng kwento:
Nagkasakit kami sa ulo kinabukasan. Inaapoy kami ng lagnat. Ako medyo ayos pa pero yung kapatid ko, dinala sa ospital ng madaling-araw. Ayun, nalaman na ang sakit niya: inatake daw siya ng amoeba na walang sawa sa pag-reproduce sa bituka niya. Kaya ako, isinunod sa ospital pero hindi ako na-confine (sidenote: cute ang duktor na nanghiposumuri sa akin). Same result. Ang pinagkaiba: hindi maligalig ang mga amoeba sa bituka ko. At dahil *ehem* malakas ang aking pang-aasarresistensya, gumaling agad ako within one day. Si kapatid, twice nasugod sa ospital. Yung pangalawa, dahil na lang sa pag-iinarte niya.

Ang moral lesson:
Nag-rant ng todo sa amin si mommy. Di daw kami sumusunod sa bilin e para sa ikabubuti naman namin iyon. Alam niyo ba, may sakit si mommy ko (walang tigil na pagbuhos ng regla at may probability na ma-raspa siya. please pray for her), pero nauna pang i-confine sa ospital ang sister ko. Nasabi ni mommy yung fact na yun. Plus, sinabi niya na kung ano man ang mangyari sa amin, wala nang gastus-gastos sa kaniya. Kahit saan, huhugot siya para lang maging maayos kami. Doon ko nalaman na after 18 years of my existence, hindi ko pa pala tuluyang kilala si mommy. Nakakalungkot lang na isipin.

Ang aftermath:
Nung magaling na ako, naging hyper-active naman ako. Ewan ko ba, nagiging ganun ako pag magaling na. Pero pinipigilan ako ni mommy na gumawa ng kung anu-ano at baka raw mabinat ako. Yung kapatid ko, medyo malata pa rin. Sana maging maayos na rin siya.

Happy New Year sa inyong lahat! :)

Bumabati,
Denji

Putting Some Sense On This Post

Yeah, here I am again in front of a few people. This past few weeks, even though I told myself to stop ranting on my blog, I still can't help it. I broke a lot of promises I made. I even became too emotional. Then all of a sudden, I'll be having mood swings. I guess that's a reason why my very few "viewers" even dwindled in number. Like Plurk said, "Don't plurk too much. Don't  put every single detail of your life in your viewable time-line or your viewers will stop following your life." Well, not the exact sentences, though, but the essence is there. So here goes.

1. Being a member of a prominent clan doesn't equate to you being rich. It hit me VERY HARD. Of our core family, I am the spendthrift. I spend all of my allowance on high-end snacks when I can eat on the local canteen. I thought we were rich enough. My parents keep telling me to save. Well, I keep lying to them that I do save. But no. I can't resist myself when I have the money. So I can't save. But, well, I'm trying to save now. I wanted my money for the next enrollment to come "from me". My parents expect a lot from me. My parents keep telling me to work and pay for my brother's tuition. Even I agree on that, not because I am forced, but because I wanted to.

And related to that issue, I realized that I have acquaintances who are, in my opinion, way richer than me. Well, it not that I don't want to make friends with them because I think they belittle me. I just think that they really have the capability to spend because of their status, when I am just, you know, "trying hard".

2. I tried to stop this awkward feeling from developing. I never knew I'll be this successful this time. Well, maybe because I did consider many realizations in my life. This time, I just have to apply them. If you want to know who that person is, I'll not be giving clues. Although I told X that this person is cute. X, you know who you are, and I trust you that you won't be telling this (well, but if Y insisted that you tell that to him, wala akong magagawa. T.T basta i-inyo na lang iyon, please? i have no intentions of telling that person. baka mapahiya lang ako sa kanya. >o<).

3. You may have noticed that, recently, I'm writing things I'd gladly call "crap", since I do it craply. At first, I am writing because I want the gods and goddesses of literature (yes, Y, ikaw yun. ikaw rin yun, Omega/Aki, basta marami kayo.) to lambaste my "works of art" (very masochistic. >o<). But now, even though I have no "followers/viewers", I'm now writing for my own personal satisfaction. I told some of you that I keep writing and writing but I never, ever, finished a single story, except for one (I was a Highschool Freshman back then). So, again, I am now writing for my self-accompolishment. If one appreciated my works, then good, I'd like to give you my thanks.

Thanks for spending/wasting a few minutes reading this. I hope, this time, this isn't as annoying as before. I hope I gave you my two-cents well. Ü

I'm Regretting It Again

Here I go again. I'm regretting that I rant.

Ang hirap kasi sa akin, pinaiiral ko ang emotions ko over my sanity. Ayun, kaya nagiging insane ako. T.T

Kung may na-offend man po ako sa mga recent posts ko, I'm sorry. I'm asking for your apology.

Please bear with me. Emotionally unstable po ako. I'll try to change for the good. Sana.

Take Time to Read: I FEEL HUMAN

I watched Heroes Season 2 as to make sure I haven't missed a single detail. Season 3 is fast approaching.

Wonder why Angela Petrelli stole socks last Season 1? Wonder why Claire Bennet can't get over her emotional angst last Season 2? It goes around on one theme: feeling human.

No, it's not that I have a superpower myself. As human beings, we are meant to feel as we are to be: joy, acceptance, recognition, triumph; depression, rejection, persecution, defeat.

I know you know that I am having emotional problems right now. And I thought all of this time that I can cope up by either enduring the pain that I feel or by ignoring the same feeling. I realized: both of them were wrong. But the question now is: How can I feel human?

Why does enduring pain doesn't make me feel human? I think it is because hiding something and posing a happy face makes me "normal" [note that I made pain endurance and pretentious feelings synonymous]. It makes me blend in the background: vanish to be specific. But you know what will happen to the pressure cooker when it stays in the heat for long, right? Yes, the useful mechanism will blow up. Same to me.

Why does ignoring my problems doesn't make me feel human? Now, the reason is that I am avoiding what I am to face. We know problems are given to be solved, not to be escaped. I must learn to analyze and find a solution: yet, I only stop at the analysis step. I think it is inhuman to just neglect these problems.

Now, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel human. I know of a couple of things, but I am afraid it will cost me very much.

You knew I lost a lot of friends so my emotional dependence has reached its maximum. Yet again, I realized this is the first step to feel human: HAVE FRIENDS YOU CAN TRUST, HAVE FRIENDS THAT YOU WON'T BETRAY AND THAT WON'T BETRAY YOU, HAVE FRIENDS THAT UNDERSTANDS YOU THE MOST AND WON'T BACKSTAB YOU. You know what? I found a few of them. To be specific, I have 2 friends that matches the criteria. And I am happy with that.

Yes, I do start to feel human but beyond that first step: I don't know what to do. I want you to help me, build a journey with me that I can't forget. I haven't made Elementary and High School memories [except for the Press Conference]. And now, before I graduate this College, I want you to let me know how to feel human. Because I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of thinking and imagining: it just drives me crazy.

And another thing: like I mentioned earlier, I keep on losing friends. You know, you may give me an advise that I have to be real in order to gain friends. The problem is: I AM BEING REAL, I AM BEING ME, yet they want to avoid me like I have a Shanti Virus or some sort.

So I want you to give me an advise on how should I perform better. I don't want to be a leech that sucks on a nearest outlet. I want to be contained yet I want to get free. I know you don't get what I say but if you do start a journey with me, I think you would know me better. Give me good advises, perhaps?

============

Thank you for your time. Pardon the grammar.

mom supports gay son

This editorial is from Sunday's Concord Monitor.
Sunday, April 30, 2000
By Sharon Underwood
For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT/Hanover, NH)

 

Many letters have been sent to the Valley  News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair.  I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a  10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will?  If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live.  He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all.  That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? You say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?”

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

It's Useless

Now I realized, ranting will lead me nowhere. I realized I just have to accept the facts and choose: Go on and pretend to be unscathed, or confront the people concerned and have a talk.

But on my situations, I always chose the first one. I always try to be the pretender: put on a happy smile while my heart is hurt deep inside. But of course, TIME CANNOT HEAL WOUNDS. There's always time for confrontations, but for me, it's not yet the time. Or rather, I don't want to initiate it.

Read This [If You Want]: Gaguhan (Feeling of Void)

IKAW, MALAWAK BA ANG UTAK MO?

Nakakainis na... Alam mo yung ganung feeling? Yung mag-isa ka na lang? Yung inaakala mong mga kaibigan mo, mga kaaway mo na pala? Nakakaasar, di ba? Oo, naasar sila sa akin, pero hindi nila sinasabi yung mga kapintasan ko ng harapan. Ngayon, panahon na nang gaguhan. Ako nalang ang mag-isa sa mundo ko ngayon. I against the world, ika nga.

Oo, tama, depressed na ako. Emo pa kung iyon ang gusto mong tawag. Pero I'm sick. Nakakainis iyong pinag-iisipan ka ng masama e ung ideya na iyon ay ni minsan hindi pumasok sa kukote ko. Nakakainis din yung mga stalker. Oo, ganun na ako ka-sikat. Madalas sisilip-silip tapos gagawan ka na ng chismis that is too farfetched.

Mailap pala ang mundo. Pag pinag-iisipan ba ng masama ang isang bakla/tomboy/bi, sexism ba ang tawag doon? Ewan ko, wala namang gender-ism.

Pinilit kong maging bukas ang aking isipan, para mas makita ko ang kagandahan ng mundo. Kaso, may mga gago na pilit ikikitid ang mga pananaw mo sa buhay. Bwisit, oo, gago nga, ayon sa isang Friendster account.

Inaapoy ako ng lagnat ngayon. Buti na lang nilalagnat ako, para hindi mapansin ng mga tao kung gaano ba talaga kasama ang pakiramdam ko. Gusto kong makipag-usap sa lahat ng taong dumaan sa buhay ko once and for all.

At since wala na yata akong kaibigan na natitira, applications will be accepted. Walk-ins are allowed. Hindi nagsasara, at hindi pagsasarhan.

Walang kwenta itong post ko na ito, di ba? Puro kagaguhan lang. Oo na, insensitive ako. Pero sabihin niyo yun sa harap ko at magbigay kayo ng instances para maayos ko ang sarili ko.

Kaya siguro napapariwara ang tao, no?

Ewan ko ba kung bakit nagbabago ang mga tao ngayon. Ginagago ka ng idol mo, imagine?

Ayokong magpariwara, dahil matino akong tao. Sariwa, birhen. Bastos man ang utak pero hindi sa plano at sa gawa. Oo, men masturbate everyday. Men wanted to have sex. Pero hindi lahat ng tao, hayok. Hindi lahat ng bakla/tomboy/bi, sex lang ang gusto sa buhay.

Ano kaya ang gagawin ko sa Monday? Syempre, papasok. Ay, baka isipin mo, gumagawa ako ng plano, baka iba na naman ang isipin mo. At wag kang feeling, marami kayong kausap ko. FOR CONTACTS ang post ko, hindi for stalkers.

Ay, sinasabihan kitang stalker? Hindi! Umaandar lang ang insensitivity ko, kagaguhan ko, at yung kakulangan ko sa grammar.

Bukas na bukas din, hindi na po ako magiging insensitive. Bukas na bukas din, hindi ako mangte-take advantage kahit di ko pa ginagawa iyon.

At magmamahal ako ng taong karapat-dapat mahalin. Magmamahal lang ako kapag may nagmamahal sa akin. Oo, mahal ko ang magulang ko at ang mga kapatid ko dahil mahal nila ako. Kung mahal mo ako, mahal din kita.

Pero, pagpasensiyahan mo na ako, huh? Wala na yata kasi akong kaibigan na pwedeng malapitan. Buti ka pa, Multiply, maasahan, kahit nabobosohan ka.

SORRY SA LAHAT NG TAONG NAKABANGGA KO, KUNG AYAW NIYO NA AKONG MAGING KAIBIGAN, FINE, DI KO KAYO PIPILITIN. DESISYON NIYO YAN. Dahil sa bokabularyo ko, ang friendship ay isa nang equivalence relation.

SORRY RIN SA IYO, KAHIT HINDI KA DAPAT MADAMAY DITO. KAILANGAN KO LANG NG OUTPUT. Itong post na ito ay para iparating sa Palasyo ng Malakanyang na ako ay may emosyon.

IKAW, MALAWAK BA ANG UTAK MO?

P.S., Oo, umiinom ako, pero hindi ako naglalasing. Mabuti kang kaibigan kapag nagawa mo akong lasingin sa inuman. Saka vacuum cleaner ako ng pulutan.

At ipakalat sa mundo na maging open-minded tayong lahat. Ito na ang huling post ko na magpapakita ng aking close-mindedness.

Ulit po, patawarin ang grammar.

Salamat sa pagbabasa ng declamation.

I thank you.

Signed,

The Knight of Wind,

Ang asawa ni Tracy Strauss,

Ang fan ni Iwa at Jewel,

Ang mukahang gago pero hindi naman,

Your friendly kapit-hood,

Ang nagmahal pero inaway at nilait,

Ang Kabayo ni Kristy Lee Cook,

Ang sinaksak sa likod,

Ang zombie,

Sila Naruto at Gaara,

Ang pang-(n+1)th na miyembro ng Super Junior,

Ang nasisiraan ng bait pero pinipilit na magpakatino,

Ang tatanggap ng mga aplikante sa posisyon na "Best Friend"

Ang coolest teen tambayan,

Ang 5th basic taste,

Aerol Celeste.

These Are My Lessons Of The Century

*pardon the grammar*

I hate this feeling; this feeling of loneliness, emptiness, guilt. It's always the fact that when I go to school, I hide my face under the mask of happiness since I am really crying. Emotional, eh?

First thing: I learned not to make lots of friends. I think a few will do. But do you know why, in the first place, I'd like to make new friends?

It's because I'm socially deprived. My youth days had been surrounded by the four walls of our house, trying to learn academics. I never went out and play with my neighbors. I only play with my cousins in our backyard. It feels like I'm locked up inside, helpless. Still, I was attending school but I wasn't given a chance to interact with my classmates.

I grew up like that for 12 years [from Nursery until I graduated in High School]. I never knew sports. I barely knew social life. I don't even know Counter Strike and Ragnarok back then. And I hated those times. They were calling me nerd and geek like forever. I just can't stand it. I'm unsocial [not antisocial: it's a different thing], I know it. But that fact doesn't have to be pressed down hard on me.

It was 3.5 years ago when I fell in love. But I knew bulls' eye from the start that having a relationship is impossible because I barely knew wooing. So I wanted to have friendship instead. I wanted my first love to be my very first friend, my best friend. But in the end? I cried. Why? It's because I confessed my feelings. And days after, my first love became so distant to me. It was 7 days that I cried myself to sleep. I lost a friend and a loved one.

But I didn't stop there. For 2.5 years [after I graduated], I fell in love with different people and confessed to some of them. But out of those gazillion people I confessed up, only one remained as my friend but still, that person is too distance to me nowadays. Sad? No, very sad.

Yet again, I am in love. I don't want to be messed up anymore. I'm not going to love anymore. I'm not going to confess anymore. I just wanted to be stuck up in my own realm.

So where, you say, was the friendship part? Well, they were above and some few friends of mine that I can count by my fingers. I wanted to maintain my friendship to the people whom I had feelings before, but they were gone just like that. Others even despised me. It hurts a lot: those stupid promises they give me. That they will understand, that I will still be their friend. But where are they?

I guess I really had to be contented with a few friends that I have. They are the ones that understand me the most. They are the ones who keep my many secrets. They were always there for me and I promise that I, in return, will always be here for them no matter what the consequences are.

I don't want to cry. No, I cannot cry now. My eyes are now dry. I just have to live with a few blessings of mine. I am contented with those things now.

This is another lesson I realized, and maybe the last one for the meantime: never ever expect. I wished I was Lady Strike's brother and take everything for granted, but no. Even so, I am idle. And I never took risks. I may be adventurous at heart but the problem is execution. I always play safe. I never went out of my comfort zone and try a few things I never tried before [except for food tripping].

Even at school and studies, I am idle. At weekends, I always play video games. At weeknights, I surf the net. I always think I know anything. Or yet, I always think that what I am learning is enough to pass. I lack encouragement.

This is also related to the first lesson I learned. I am expecting to have new friends. I am expecting that I retain those friendships. But no, I'm just daydreaming and wishing everything turned the way I wanted it.

I don't know if a new Denji will resurface. I just don't know. But I don't want to cry. I don't want to love. I don't want to expect. Yet, I want to live. I want to be happy.

*sigh* Denji is such an idiotic creature... Isn't he?

05.09.08

I AM HAPPY RIGHT NOW! This is the day I shall mark my (omicron)th existence in the world!

Yes, dear, I EXIST!!! 8D

Saranghae~... 8D <333

Dating Profile Quiz, My Results

Your dating personality profile: Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person.  Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you.  You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Shy - You are often timid around others, though you will open up when the right person comes along.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Adventurous 3. Shy 4. Funny 5. Sensual 6. Conservative 7. Stylish 8. Religious 9. Intellectual 10. Practical

Your date match profile: Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match.  Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind.  A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life. Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values.  You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Conservative 2. Big-Hearted 3. Religious 4. Traditional 5. Adventurous 6. Outgoing 7. Funny 8. Athletic 9. Stylish 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Take the Dating Profile Quiz at Would I Date You

Para sa Aking Minamahal (For My Beloved)

[A/N: This entry is written in Filipino because the author is "sick" and miserable. Bear with the author]

[Opening Music BG: Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? by Ramiele Malubay]

Ilang buwan na ba simula nang makilala kita? 'Di na katagalan. Ikaw ang nagtatapos ng mga araw ko. Ikaw at ang mga ngiti mo. Ikaw at ang amoy mo. 'Di ko alam kung pang-ilan ka na. Pang-(x)? Siguro nga. Maraming beses na akong umibig. At nasisiraan ako ng ulo kapag umiibig ako. Halata naman sa mga pangungusap ko, hindi ba?

Alam ko naman na hindi ka perpekto. Marami kang kapintasan. Naiinis na yata ang buong mundo sa 'yo. Pero ako? Nandito lang ako, nagmamasid sa 'yo. Tinitignan kang ngumiti. Gusto kitang kaibiganin. Pero mukhang ayaw mo.

Pero ano itong bumabagabag sa akin? Kapag may iba kang kasama, selos ba ang nararamdaman ko? Hindi naman inggit, wala akong dapat kainggitan. Nababagabag ako. Gusto kitang kaibiganin. Pero ayaw mo.

Anong meron siya na wala ako? [...] Dahil ba magaspang ako kumilos? Dahil hindi ako gaanong katalino? Dahil ba... kakaiba ako? Dahil ba sa hitsura ko? Imposible. Hindi kailangang "may hitsura" ang isang kaibigan.

[Music BG: I Don't Wanna Cry by Jason Castro]

Pero bakit? Naghuhumiyaw ang puso ko. Umiiyak. Ayaw mo akong kaibiganin. May mali ba ako? Pasensya kung ganoon.

Iyang kaibigan mo na kasama mo, iyang "kaibigan" na pinagseselosan ko, masaya ba siyang kasama? Tuwing gabi ba, magkatabi kayong matulog? Magkaakap sa dilim? Paggising ba niya, hinahalikan mo ba siya? Sabay ba kayo sa lahat ng bagay.

Wala na. Nasiraan na ako ng ulo. Tuwing hihiga ako sa kama ko, kayo ang naiisip mo. Ikaw, at ang ngiti mo na tila nakalaan lamang para sa kaniya. Ayaw na kita makita, pero hindi kita maiwasan. Hindi makukumpleto ko ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakikita. Ang sama mo. Maramot ka. Umalis ka sa puso ko. Nyemas.

[Music BG: You've Got to Hide Your Love Away by Kristy Lee Cook]

Wala na akong magagawa kung kayo na ang itinadhana para sa isa't isa. Siguro kailangan ko nang hanapin si ika-(x+1) ko, sa lalong madaling panahon. Para makalimutan na kita.

Kaya heto ako ngayon at gumagawa nang hamon para sa sarili ko. Kailangan kong pagbutihan ang sarili ko na higit sa inyo. Ibubuhos ko ang panahon ko sa pag-aaral. Hindi ako nasa unibersidad na ito para pumasa lamang sa akademiya, kung hindi ay sa lahat na rin ng aspeto ng buhay. Kailangan kong tatagan ang sarili ko.

Hindi man kita makalimutan agad, pipilitin ko namang gawing abala ang sarili ko. Mas maraming bagay na dapat isipin bukod sa iyo, sa ngiti mo, at sa halimuyak mo.

[Music BG: Alone by Ramiele Malubay]

Pero... Hindi rin, e. Ikaw ang lakas ko. Ikaw ang buhay ko. Isusuko na lang ba kita? Oo, marahil, siguro nga. Mas gusto mo sigurong kasama siya, o hindi kaya si Park Ron Do* ang gusto mong makasama? Haha, nakakatawa. Sira-ulo na nga ako. Umaasa pa na maging kaibigan mo ako, e ikaw nga itong lumalayo sa akin. Ayaw mo sa akin dahil "emo" ako, pero gusto mo si Ron Do dahil "emo" siya? Kalokohan! Ikaw ang sira ulo!

Sana ako ang kasama mo sa pagtulog. Sana ako itong niyayakap mo tuwing gabi. Sana ikaw itong nakikita ko paggising ko sa umaga. Pero hindi. Hanggang panaginip lang kita. Doon lang kita nakakasama.

Heto ako. Nalulungkot. Pagbigyan mo na ako. Mahalin mo na silang lahat, kaibiganin mo lang ako. Pakinggan mo itong puso kong sawi.

[Ending Music BG: You Must Love Me by Brooke White]

Mahal kita. Tandaan mo iyan...
...
...
Maghihintay ako, kahit imposibleng mahalin mo rin ako...
Denji...


__________
* Hindi niya tunay na pangalan.

Sensitivity is the key.

Apparently, I knew what was one of the things that doesn't fit right: my insensitivity.

Sorry, but unlike previous blog entries, I am not willing to tell that incident as my half-life was already set and I was decaying (in Tagalog: nanliliit na ako sa hiya).

I feel heavy. I wanna sleep.

First Life Realization

One person said to me in an SMS:

"[...] kahit suplado ka [...]"

What does "suplado" really mean?

For all the life that I have lived, I knew this word to mean someone who literally snobs anyone. The problem, I just met this person (well, maybe I can call him a friend, but we're not close yet). So when he sent me the message (the quote was part of the whole), I realized that he means "suplado" as someone who only notices [most of his] teachers, all of his friends and relatives. Well, I'm not hurt by what he said: there is no offense done. But via what he said, he made me reflect on what my personality is.

I remembered myself before. I used to dream of becoming a celebrity. I thought smiling is not tiring. I thought all people who know you and call your name [even if you're on a comfort room] is one happy thing. But as my life goes on, this all changed. Stardom is such a pain in the ass. Philippine television is boring. And I never knew how to smile from the heart again. I've failed in love a lot of times, yet I'm still here. I managed to survive, though, but I forgot to smile. You see, if "love inflicts you pain" it leaves a scar. You may be traumatized.

Wait, what am I saying? Where in the blog world am I? Heck! The "suplado" thing! Oh, well. I think I need a personality assessment and make-over. Let's start by this question:

What things in me do you like and/or hate?

Answer with truth. Why? Because Asians tend to beat around the bush. So instead of correcting the flaw, it is being ignored.